ACT I
SCENE I
SETTING: We are in the basement of the BRADLEYSON home, a nice looking house in a residential area of the Twin Cities. The basement, however, hints at a more sinister story. The entire room is taken up by an oversize dog kennel of chain link construction - the kind of dog kennel you would find if you were to visit a police dog training facility. This kennel is the last thing you would expect to find in the basement of somebody's home. A large dilapidated couch, water dish and stacks of newspapers are the last things you'd expect to find inside a kennel, but there they are. The effect is unspeakably creepy.
AT RISE: DONALD BRADLEYSON is curled up in a fetal position on the couch. Pages from today's newspaper keep him warm. On closer inspection we see DONALD is wearing a locking dog collar, and he has been leashed and locked to the back wall of the kennel. The leash is long enough to allow DONALD free reign of the space, but just short enough to keep him from reaching the latch on the front door of the kennel. DONALD whimpers softly.
DONALD
Oh, woe is me! Don't my basketball buddies miss me at all?
(DONALD whimpers some more.
Suddenly, the front doorbell rings from upstairs.
DONALD leaps from the couch and runs toward the front of his cage.)
My prayers are answered!
DONALD (Cont.)
(shouting)
Somebody help me! Help me! Help --
(The leash pulls him up short.)
Ack!
(DONALD is jerked to the floor.
The doorbell rings again.)
Please, somebody . . . .
(But his voice comes out in a whisper. He coughs to clear his throat, then shouts at the top of his lungs.)
Don't go away! Please help me! Help!
BLAIRE
(off)
Donald? Donald, is that you?
DONALD
Blaire! Sweet, sweet Blaire! You've come to rescue me!
BLAIRE
(off)
No, we've come by to drop off the cast bios for the programs.
DONALD
Blaire! For the love of God, help me! Go around to the back door and see if it's unlocked!
BLAIRE
(off)
What? I can't hear you! I'll put the cast bios in your mailbox!
DONALD (shouting as loud as he can)
No! You have to help me! I'm . . . I'm . . . I've fallen and I can't get up! Please, go around to the back door!
I'm in the basement!
BLAIRE
(off)
Hold on, Donald! We'll be right there!
(DONALD is deliriously happy. He runs back and forth around the kennel as freely as his leash will allow. If DONALD had a tail, it would surely be wagging. There are sounds of footsteps at the top of the stair.)
DONALD
Down here!
(Two sets of footsteps quickly descend into the basement. BLAIRE and DERMOTT McDANIEL enter.)
DERMOTT
What's happening here?
BLAIRE
What's the matter - oh my God.
DONALD
There's no time to explain! Just unlatch the door and bail me out of puppy prison!
(DERMOTT McDANIEL rushes to the front door of the kennel. He unhooks the latch and rushes into the kennel.)
DERMOTT
Hang in there, buddy. I'll have this leash off of you in no time.
DONALD
It's no use. I don't know where the key is.
BLAIRE
(taking a cell phone from out of her purse)
I'll call Jill.
DONALD
No! Please don't call Jill! If you call Jill, she'll --
(DONALD breaks down, ending up in a weeping puddle on the kennel floor.)
It's no use! It's no use, it's no use, it's no use . . . I'll never be able to show my face in public again!
DERMOTT
(attempting to release the collar)
This is the strangest thing. This leash is locked onto your collar. And the other end is locked to the fence!
(Suddenly, BLAIRE slams the kennel door shut, and locks it with a padlock she has produced from her
purse.)
Blaire! What are you doing?
BLAIRE
Sorry, hon. It's all part of the Master Plan.
DERMOTT
What?
(BLAIRE dials her cell phone.)
DONALD
What Master Plan? What are you doing? Why is this happening? God, why do you mock me?
BLAIRE
(into phone)
Hello, Jill? Mission accomplished. Yeah, a piece of cake. Way easier than it should have been.
DERMOTT
Blaire McDaniel, I command you to open this cage! By the time I count to three!
BLAIRE
(into phone)
What? No, that's just Dermott. He's putting his foot down. He's . . . laying down the paw!
(BLAIRE giggles giddily.)
DERMOTT
I mean it, Blaire, I'm counting to three! One!
BLAIRE
(to DERMOTT)
She says "control you distemper!"
(Uncontrollable giggling from BLAIRE.)
DERMOTT
Two!
DONALD
Oh, no. I spilled my water dish.
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF SCENE)
and so forth.